9/19/00

two days ago my friends niece showed up in a new volkswagon with her backseat and her trunk filled with everything she owns. we moved it all into my studio and i unfolded my futon for her and we had a couple of beers. i introduced her to my neighbors. i live in a building where people usually leave their doors open. it’s a friendly building. we hang out in each other’s apartments. so i introduced her to my neighbors.

my friend’s niece is 19 years old. i feel like an old man around her. i have almost ten years on her. she told me yesterday that i seem younger than 28. later that night i was sitting with one of my students in a bar on market street. my student told me i seemed much older than 28. much much older. i told my student yeah, i’ve had a hard life.

so this 19 year old girl is sleeping on my couch. she has dyed blonde hair. we went to the beach and she complained about relationships being too physical. she doesn’t like that, people wanting sex based on how people look. she’s very pretty. she studies fashion. she reads vogue. at a thrift store she tried on a pair of silver rave pants. she told me about her 18 year old friend with a kid but how her friend was smart and could handle it. she knew what she wanted. i like listening to her talk. she reminds me that i don’t know as much as i think i know. that i should not close up to new ideas.

my student told me not to have sex with the 19 year old girl that was sleeping on my couch. i told her i wouldn’t. she told me the 19 year old was probably infatuated with me. she had probably fallen in love. i told her i didn’t think so. the 19 year old has a 19 year old boyfriend who is going to move out here to take care of her. i wouldn’t sleep with my friend’s niece. at least i wouldn’t do anything to make her uncomfortable. perhaps my student was projecting her feeling on me. but she also has a boyfriend. most of the girls i know do. she said i remind her of a combination of her two last boyfriends. i looked at her and then i looked back into my beer. life. something about her. she was wearing a little shirt that didn’t cover her belly button and a button sweater over that. i wanted desperately to lean across the table and put my fingers on her pale stomach. i walked her to the train station. i had my bike with me. i’m a nice guy, a gentleman. at the top of the stairs we stopped and she took one step towards me. i saw it. but we were at least four paces apart. we said goodbye and i got on my bicycle.

at home my friend’s 19 year old niece was putting together her paperwork for fashion school. she said she thought she had found a place to live already. she said there was indian food in the fridge but it was very spicy. i like having her here. it’s like having a relationship with someone but without all of the complications. we’re not having sex. i do not have to worry about if she still loves me, if she would stop loving me for a minute and then that minute stretches into an hour, like a leak that keeps getting bigger, an hour into a day into a week into a year and finally she does not love me anymore at all. i do not have to worry about that with her. she just sleeps in my room on the couch and i sleep on the mattress in the corner and we talk and she tells me about what her generation is doing and i tell her what my generation is doing and when i come home drunk she says there is indian food in the fridge, and it is very spicy.