Dear Sonja I

Dear Sonja,
Roaming angrily through soot filled Chicago streets.
Your arms on the horn adding to the commotion,
The chaos.
Sonja,
Your long black hair falls wispy over sand colored shoulders.
A perfect face.
The racial epithets stream from your mouth.
Your deep, full lips swallow and release the words,
Unrepentant, unashamed.
The heaving bed, breathing, bellowing.
I miss you.
The handcuffs,
The lingerie,
The attitude.
The concerts and man screaming
Angry.
And the crowd pops, kernels popping,
Ramming, slamming, you roam the Metro.
Unafraid with fists and spikes
While the band rages and you rage.
While I dance with sweat streaming over my eyebrows.
While your mother sleeps in the oils I bought her, china rain.
While our lives continue but nothing happens.

Dear Sonja,
With biceps
And a facade greater than God.
I miss your attitude,
Your cruel words,
That boys initials tattooed on your knuckles,
Your darling smile,
Your crude criticisms,
Your anger which eats all it sees like an angry flame.
I miss the showers we took.
The 7 and a half months of uncomfortable moments,
Which came crashing silently to a halt.
And you asked me if I had anything else to say and I said no and so you got in your big angry car and rode off.

Dear Sonja II

Her lips moved
Telling me of horror
Her abusive father
Molestation
How her last boyfriend had beaten her silly
She wanted me to know
I didn't want to know
The words streamed out of those lips
Painted in bright red
Cocksure
Steady
Unafraid
Without asking for forgiveness
She didn't need to
Behind her Rob and Roger and Brian stumbled around in drunken stupor trying to catch my eye and walking by and whispering
"go for it"
"fuck her"
into my ear
She wanted me to know that her father had kidnapped her
And stuck her in a cage
With chickens
I didn't reply
I could've told her of the time I spent locked up
And the time my father handcuffed me to a pipe in a dust filled basement and told me
"don't hurt that pipe"
Of cold nights on snowy rooftops beneath unfolded boxtops
But I didn't
She didn't need to know
And she didn't want to know
She wanted me to know.

Dear Sonja III

Dear Sonja
Sleeping in my bed
Curled up like a codependant pretzel
All tied together we pressed into each other beneath a stuffed quilt without a sheet
And fuck the landlord for turning off the heat
Your thighs kept me warm on sleepless nights
Bathed in moonlight and poverty

Dear Sonja
We couldn't even afford to be cool
And bought ratty clothing at thrift stores for eighty cents a shirt
We lived off lamb chops your mother cooked and you brought over in tupperware
I had torn your last pair of nylons getting at you in your 1979 New Yorker
That all those boys would keep fixed for you for free
In front of Deanna's house on the corner of North Shore and Albion 8 p.m. on a Tuesday night

Dear Sonja
How did I speak a few quick words
Without justification
At your car in front of all the punks and pimps selling crack from low income housing right in front of us
Telling you it was over
Your head bowed slightly between your knees
I thought you would prefer if I told you in person rather than over the phone so that's what I did
I didn't have any soothing lotion words to ease you through I just knew I had to get out or go crazy
So I did

Dear Sonja IV

I called my cynical girlfriend in the city
Windy, wet
I would of told her I'm lonely and writing poetry and listening to Nick Cave wasn't doing it for me anymore
That I'm lying to myself
Thinking I'm someone I'm not
Struggling for a handle
For an open door
For a hint of verification
That I've surrounded myself with idiots
That I don't know who I am
And I contemplate suicide all the time
So she could say good, fuck you
And I could scream back you dumb cunt!
You dumb cunt
And smell the onions on my breath bouncing miserably off the telephone
Yeah, but she wasn't home
So I can't hear her sweet voice screaming through the receiver
That I'm a lousy lover
Less than a man
So I can scream back she's stupid
Cunt, bitch, whore, slut
And I could tell her I feel I've devolved
I'm an ape
People read my poetry and it's stupid
And there's a blatant lack of communication
Perhaps I would of cried to her
Just to hear her voice
Would of cried
And asked if it was good and slippery wet up between her sandy brown thighs
And how firm's her tits now
How many hands been groping on 'em since I sucked 'em last
And remember I still got a picture
But she'd of hung up on me before then

Dear Sonja V

I wish there was something to keep out the rain
It's ruining my skin
My eyes are burning
A cat behind a bush
An old woman's lonely, anxious eyes stare out from behind her drapes, paranoid

Where are you?
I rub my fingers over the wet tree bark
I'm waiting for you to rape me
Thinking of you in some glowing warm apartment
A mans arms wrapped around your waist
Listening to the water beating against the window

My clothes are soaked
My hair is desperate and flat on my shoulders
I start to itch
Where are you?
The street lights are off and it's terrifically dark
And I have visions of your silky skin
And liquid hair
And angry eyes
Some thunder
A cop drives by slowly, looking at me
I'm looking for you
I walk in the diner
No one else is there at three in the morning
And I wake up the waitress and tell her to make me a cup of noodle soup
And bring me some coffee

I can't sleep at night
I look at the bowl
Filled with liquid and greasy yellow noodles
I sip the coffee
The waitress has large hips and large breasts
And watches me from the side, by the window, near the rain
Suspicious
Paranoid
She seems to be whispering something

It's so hot inside
I leave my last two dollars on the table
I have to leave
Through the park and the basketball court
You're not there
The park is closed
A couple of kids sit edgy on a park bench
"Hey mister, crack, cocaine"
The alley
A rat runs for cover
Up ahead some car lights turn into a garage
The sound of a door opening
Where are you?
Hiding between the buildings
Are you thrashing your way through another mad show?
Are you in that mans apartment?
Sitting on top of him
So his face looks up into the bottom of your breasts
Intoxicated by the smell of your skin
The throaty sound of your voice
He's helpless
And you slap him lightly across the face
Like you would a child

Where are you?
In the gutters clawing through the shit and the sewage
Lurking behind Dominicks eating out of the garbage bin
Face covered with disease, a monster
Or are you fucking a bar of gold and speeding through concert halls and mini-wars
And walking in furs
Like Venus
Like a goddess
It's so infinitely wet right now
Where are you?

In my head you're a blended vision of beautiful cruelty
That shines
Through all this rain
And wretchedness
And I want to be sick and together again
So I can watch you walk through the apartment
Naked
With your hair up in a bun
And pick up our black cat and hold him underneath you chin
And look into me with stormy eyes
I want to fight like we used to
And lose
To your harsh words
Infinite lies and accusations
I want to watch your snake like tongue
Dart out of your mouth
Smell the spanish potatoes you would always cook in the morning
Hear stories of Puerto Rico
And lick your fists
And your forearms
And your belly

I see a vision of you
Flash in the sky
Against a sad lightning bolt
And all I can think about
Is where you are
As the rain continues
It never stops
And the darkness swallows Chicago
And my hand goes into the graffiti covered aluminum garage door
And my wrist snaps, and breaks