The Poker Report

1-23-02

"Your First Source In Investigative Journalism Since 2001"

By Stephen Elliott

In what poker critics are already calling a meltdown Chris Donahue lost thirty dollars and pawned his bike in an amazingly short period of time Tuesday night. Sliding from his position as one of the top rated players in the game Donahue returned to the days when, to paraphrase one reporter, The smell of sucker coming off of him was rank. He was extended a line of credit by the house having previously cultivated favors with the management through sleeping bag loans and trips to Lake Tahoe. The house reached into its deep pockets in an effort to bail out one of its favorite players and biggest supporters, but to no avail. Poor fund management, especially his Omaha portfolio, and the weight of debt, coupled with desperate maneuvering and a shortened schedule pounded this once great player adding fuel to Donahue’s precipitous decline.

Donahue, who showed up with only eleven dollars, borrowed twenty dollars and fifty cents before, "Going home to have a good cry." Donahue’s bankruptcy set off a firestorm of debate on Folsom Street that has been brewing since this paper refused to assign a reporter to the story of Jon Berry’s victory two weeks ago. Talk of favoritism and nepotism abounded. One highly placed insider made reference to the "Smoking sleeping bag." Pols are already referring to the story as Tahoe-Gate, especially after a release Wednesday night from Donahue’s press attache stating that Steve owed Donahue at least that much from their trip Lake Tahoe at the end of December.

In a statement this morning the administration said, "Donahue gets no help here. The credit extended to this player was a loan against exceedingly good collateral, namely a fancy Italian road bike." Word on the street however is that the only way Steve is getting Donahue’s fancy road bike is by peeling his cold dead fingers off the finely crafted handle bars. The trenches have been dug, we’re in for a struggle.

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In other news, while Donahue was going down like a hooker on a deadline, Abby quietly lost ten dollars. Jensen was down eight to round out the losers. The house won eight dollars pro-forma. C. Cooney from Iowa and noted online gambler J. Berry also came out ahead.

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Announcing the PR awards. The PR awards are given out for acts of kindness above and beyond ordinary friendship. Only players are allowed to make nominations for PR awards, which are then voted on in secret committee.

This weeks top honor goes to Chris Cooney for taping up my handlebars with reflective orange tape he bought me for my birthday. Wendy, who probably deserves an award every week, gets a PR award for showing up with Thai food for me and Ben even though she had a hard day at work. Chris D. from Vermont gets a PR award this week for sharing his water with me when we went mountain biking in Palo Alto.

By Ben Peterson

For those who haven't been to Steve's house for poker lately, things have sure changed. You will no longer have to worry dropping your cheap-ass Wallgreens chips when your rickety-ass chair breaks from under you. You will no longer knock over your unorganized stacks of cheep-ass chips when making a bet. Steve's got new chairs, chairs that hold actual human weight. Steve's got a new green felt table, a table with beer and chip holders. Hell, Steve's even got new chips, chips that can be bet with legitimate bravado. But alas the more things change, the more they stay the same. Steve still talks shit when winning and makes up excuses while losing (which is more often than not). Chris still complains about Disney games then introduces a new one. Donahue still shouts at everyone while losing his shirt while Abby and Jensen still lose rather calmly in comparison (I suppose Abby is calm because she is used to it). Jon still wins a little while bragging alot. And, well, Ben still wins, wins a lot. So stop by sometime and check out the new digs and join in the same old game. Suckers are still always welcome. Oh yeah, Steve even got toilet paper now.

The Poker Report

Stephen Elliott

Editor In Chief