The Poker Report 1-16-02 "Giving An Equal Voice Since 2001"

Todays Poker Report was written by associate editor Chris Donahue and guest editor Erik Jenson

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Last night's poker was a small intimate affair, featuring a neighbor, a regular, a sucker, and a poet (and of course the ever-present, seldom-appreciated host). The neighbor Steve is a professional gambler, and he made his own luck. He pulled an impossible diamond flush to begin Jensen's downward slide. Tarin the poet was next in line to part Jensen from his money. In 27 hi-lo, she hit for all she was worth, assembling a mountain of cards that somehow added up to 26, 1/2 point better than the neat little pile Erik had built. After a pull on the whiskey bottle that had to substitute for the lack of cheap good American macro-brew, Jensen proceeded to pay dearly in scrotum, and the game was called early. Andy was headed off to a show, our host Steve had other business to attend to, and the rest of us weren't interested in losing money to another Steve. So poker night ended, at the early hour of 9pm.

Side Note: Jon Berry was not at poker night last night, however the editor wanted to inform his reading audience that Jon has won money at times over the past year. He apologizes for any reporting that may have lead readers to believe otherwise.

- Chris Donahue Associate Editor

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"It's All a Little Fuzzy"

I have never lost more money in a poker game. This morning I awoke with $1 in my wallet and needed to scrounge around in my spare change fund to make train fare. I was $0.75 short and forced to get off a stop early in Zone 3 Menlo Park. I blame Steve.

Not Steve Elliot, the other Steve. Steve Rubenfaer. Steve the ex-professional gambler who lived like a prince betting on horses in Vegas and LA. It wasn't malicious, his draining of my stake, and I am the first to admit that I am a horrible poker player. I can't tell you the difference between a royal flush and a straight flush and couldn't bluff even if Steve Elliott didn't pipe up "Ladies and Gentlemen, he's not known as a bluffing man" every time I raise a quarter. The two Steves would argue over who was "doing the math" when calculating the odds of chasing a straight with three diamonds in the hole. The only math I remember doing is figuring how many beers were left in the fridge.

Sitting to my left was Andy, who also left with a fair portion of my cash. Andy planned to get a permanent job soon and take up drumming. Andy believes in self-improvement. He brought with him two slices of pizza which sat in a paper bag behind him for most of the night, growing cold, until he put them together like a sandwich which Steve then ate.

Sitting on Andy's left was a very nice woman who's name escapes me, but who played very clean and smart poker. I first thought that she was a teetotaler when she did not partake of the cold beers we brought, but apparently was just a connoisseur. She played her drink hand as well as her chips by waiting until the shitty Coors was gone and we brought out the Johnny Walker Black Label. At some point, two fourpacks of British lager appeared next to the congealing pizza. Andy attempted to pour a Boddington's into a empty Coors tallboy, causing puzzled stares all around. He explained that he preferred his beer to have a head on it.

Donahue was there, and looked as if he missed Jon & Ben. I don't think Chris made any money last night. Abby too, was regretfully absent this week. We discussed the possibility of inviting Chris Lafata to a special poker party as an honorary guest, as Steve had his CD stuck on repeat. If we're going to listen to him anyway, said Steve, we might as well have a chance at some of his dough.

Let me also say that there were all sorts of advanced poker variations introduced this week that did nothing to help my game. My only chance is in quasi-poker games like scrotum or clue where luck can take you much further, sometimes even in the promised land of profitability. To all playas who weren't there last week, we're going to pull this new worst-hand and lowball poker shit on you next week.

For the record, after I biked home penniless and drunk last night, my roommate Janet expressed interest in joining the game some week as a guest invitee. It is my duty to warn that Janet possesses a keen intellect that many admire and holds an advanced degree from MIT. She can do the math. If she's invited, or any other professional gamblers, card sharps, high rollers or the like, please warn me so I know when to stay home.

- Erik Jensen Guest Editor

The Poker Report is an open opportunity community news weekly. Submissions are welcome and can be emailed to junkmailfilter2000@yahoo.com

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